How the land lies...
Those fortunate (or unfortunate as the case may be) enough to have kept up with my previous online incarnations may be aware of the ongoing state of conflict between myself and the local sea gulls. This has involved all kind of air raids in which they have attacked my personage with poop and even thrown a dead fish head though my skylight.
Unfortunately it's the time of year again when they seem to make their first militant overtures toward my personage and I got up this morning to find that they had invested positions around my house which make Sparta's siege of Troy a veritable picnic.
Thanks to the latest satellite's imaging technology and the magic of computer graphics, I can show you the positions that they have occupied. The Captain's Cabin is, as you can see vaguely central, immediately to the west of that you have a seagull on my chimney, only yards from me and making much noise. Directly south of me is a two gull strong battalion on the house opposite's chimney. To the East there is next door's loft extension which had a two gull battalion this morning, then beyond that lies the next door neighbour's chimney, which was at one point earlier invested with three gulls, all bellowing their hideous war cries. The gulls are also patrolling no fly zones to the east and west of my cabin, running as far as the street's either side of me.
My position is perilous and often very, very noisy. I am assured that I can call in close air support in the form of the council, however last time a neighbour did that they shot the gull down into my yard and I found it there suspended upside down from our shed door and dripping blood, which was quite unnerving. So, while I find the idea of shooting them cruel and horrible, there are so many it's getting ridiculous and I'm not sure what should be done. I'd rather not spend my waking hours surrounded by aggressive birds and living like it was a Hitchcock film.
Your ingenious plans will be, as ever, accepted in the comments.
Comments
When some neighbours at a caravan site pi**ed off my mum many moons ago, she got her revenge very simply. She waited until they'd gone to bed, then chucked the best part of a loaf of stale bread up on their caravan roof. Come dawn, it was carnage.
Perhaps you could modify this plan in some way - tempt the buggers to go elsewhere?
Apparently if you feed them baking soda they explode in mid-air. I've never tested it myself, but it sounds like fun.
Plubby, that is brilliant, I think you have just given me a future prank and for that I thank you! Apparently however, the problem is town wide - people knocked on the door while I was out to see if there was support for a cull. (and my foolish family said no!)
Sub - you're a cruel mum!
Katja, fun - yes. messy - probably. Maybe I should test it near somewhere else in case I have to clean up exploded gull...
Cha0tic, I wouldn't mind, from a purely hypothetical stand point, knowing wether that is the case. ;)
I like the picture.
I was so distracted by the lack of yellow lines on your road that I almost forgot to say that I endorse plubby's plan.
I am going to need a whole lot of hovis.